António José (ajose) wrote,
António José

Damn it!
If I know anything, I know I'm loosing the battle...

Or Pati Vesta it the stongest living being I've ever met or she is not in pain...
But we are loosing our battle.
I know that her illness doesn't have any remedy. Cancer doesn't have any. Not when the tumor has started to spread.

But I have to face that we are loosing for time. Times goes forward and not back.
I don't want to put her to sleep. I don't!
But what can I do if it develops to a point totally out of control?
What if she starts into constant pain?

I know the answer. I know exactlly what I'll do. I just don't and will never like it!

I don't want her to suffer. She is not just a cat I've been living with for almost 11 years.
She is a true friend and a very, very special one. She is the one that has been near me for one big part of my life and a very important one where so many things have happened...
So many and so important.

There are so many things comming to my mind that is almost impossoble to put them here.

A few minutes ago a friend of mine called because he needed I sended him one file by email. And he asked how she was.
And I cound't stop it. I just couldn't. Tears came to my eyes.

Damn it!
I hate to feel powrless, not be able to make anything to change the course of events, to have to accept what is happening specially when it IS NOT what I would like it to be!

But life has it's own wisdom doesn't she?

Many hears ago, when Pati was still young, a cousin of mine found a group of baby cats, newlly born, that were thrown to a field and lefted to die.
Only two were alive and they picked one and brought her with them to Lisbon. The other was taken in care by some one there.
As soon as I knew of it, I decided to try to save that little life, even knowing that she had suffered very much already and my chances were quite few.

But I know cats. I love them. I've studied them and learned with them. So why couldn't I be like a big cat mother to her?

I took the little cat, I imrovised a way to feed her with milk, and i did. She ate a little.
And all this while I was beeing judged in martial court (at least) by Pati Vesta!...
But I didn't gave up from my new cat mother functions....
I slept with the little cat at my side, just near me, all night, just to make sure she would be warm. Just like her mother would have done.

But in the mornig she was not there any more. I mean, her little body was but not her. She has passed away.

I think that if some one had stubed a knife in me wouldn't have had hurted more....

Even today I don't know what did hurted more. The fact that I couldn't save her beside all my efforts or the anger against the one who just throws little and helpless cats away to lefted just to die!
At least, I think it would have been more humane if he or she had killed the little cats immediatelly!

I just have to let it go.
I just hope that in the time (less than 24 hours) I was together with that little cat she could at least have seen that some one really cared for her.

With Pati Vesta he have came a long way together. He had our fights (yes! I used to put here on my knes and look her in her eyes and remember her: 'You are a cat but remember that I'm more cat than you!' -- and by saying that I ment that I could be more insistent than she...), but we had our delightfull moments also.

I'll stop here.
One day all this will be written and posted.
But not now.

I'm going to see how she is right now.

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